I feel like I’m always searching. Searching for piece of mind; Searching for a better way to be a good student, mother, lover and daughter; Searching for answers I know I’ll never get; Searching for THINGS to fill voids I created long ago. But I am realizing that I need to just be still. Be present in the moment and appreciate all I have for what it is and the very fact that I have it. I feel like even when I get the things I want, I am always wanting more. I need to stop being so selfish. I waited so long to see my boyfriend grow into the father he is, and I always find myself not being content with the progress. But I need to stop. He’s made leaps and bounds in ways I never would have thought possible when I first found out I was pregnant.
Recently, a friend of mine uncovered some very terrible truths about her boyfriend/child’s father. And the whole ordeal has really put into perspective for me just how truly blessed I am. When a girl gets pregnant, unwed and young, she knows that many things are about to happen–outside of having a baby. She knows that people will look at her differently, that her partner will most likely leave her, and even if he does stay things will probably be really really shitty. But sometimes, things go well. Mom and dad fight, sure, but dad is supportive all in all and the two may even get married and have more kids.
For me, it was the strangest mixture of everything. He told me to do what I felt was right and he would support whatever decision I made. Over time, when I chose against abortion and chose against adoption, his resentment for me began to set in. Sleeping next to my best friend became sleeping next to a stranger I never spoke to and who never looked at me. The first few months of my son’s life, he wouldn’t touch him, let alone help me care for the infant. I even tried to break up with him, gave him multiple outs and opportunities to leave me and seek his happiness. But he stayed. Multiple long talks, revelations and tears later, he has finally stepped up. He has admitted he no longer resents me or our son, but he absolutely loves us and our family. My son lights up when he sees his daddy, and Paul has started taking pride in our son’s small accomplishments, such as standing up by himself.
But for some reason, I get this feeling like there needs to be more in this scenario. And after questioning and searching, I’ve realized I need to let it go, and love what I have. Because my son could be fatherless and I a single mother, heartbroken. My boyfriend could be cheating on me, or we could be stuck together, wed too soon, and unhappy. But we aren’t. The best friend turned stranger, is my best friend once again. And I love him more than I ever thought it possible to love a man. I need to stop searching. And I promise I am going to.
The only thing I have besides my son and boyfriend to relieve the stress of the steaming shitpile of life, bills, school, working and chauffeuring is swimming and makeup. I don’t have a waterproof camera yet, so it will be a while before y’all can see some underwater pics from me. Bummer. You’ll get over it. But I do have makeup to soothe my soul. Recently I’ve been obsessing over Heidicupcake and Mannymua tutorials on Youtube (look them up, y’all, seriously). And leave it to makeup tutorials to show me that $350 worth of liquid lipsticks, is not enough liquid lipsticks. I never knew I needed 3 different kinds of copper eyeliner until I watched 3 different tutorials with different brands of liner. The problem is real, y’all. It’s an addiction. I started buying Morphe brushes finally and FUCK, they are everything. I mean look at these..
They are phenomenal (and some are very dirty, I actually use them *gasp*) The Chubby Buffer has quickly become my favorite for blending out color corrector and concealing. Not to mention Morphe is CHEAP. God, yes, they are amazing.
I made this post to kind of rant about my sappy life and also about Morphe. I’m not sure how to really wrap up this post other than show you a cute picture of some rings I bought, my face yesterday, and my new haircut. So here they are! =)