I’m back y’all!

I’ve been going through A LOT mentally and emotionally recently (when haven’t I though, really?). And so, I’ve decided to write again. Try to work through some of this things I’m always thinking about. Share my life, uncensored, so that maybe I can begin to deal with my “problems” and enjoying this one life I have. So here I am! I’m laying myself bare once more. Please be kind as I share my life. Especially with this, because it is VERY PERSONAL and VERY Graphic. If you’re triggered easily by sex acts and rape/rape fantasy, please proceed with caution.

Okay…SO.. I was raised in a very religious home, brought up on the ideals of the “purity culture”. If you don’t know what that is, here is a link to a very good article detailing the culture and it’s effect on those who lived through it, women in particular. Let me know if you can’t click it? I’m not the most tech savvy.

https://theotherjournal.com/2014/03/03/naked-and-ashamed-women-and-evangelical-purity-culture/

The long and short of “purity culture” is this-

To be right with God and your future spouse in marriage, you must remain pure. But you can not JUST be a virgin. You must remain pure in heart and mind. “The only way to kill a bad habit is to starve it to death”. In other words, the only way to prevent premarital sex is to suppress sexuality all together. Don’t tempt others with the way you dress and act. Don’t flirt. Don’t talk about sex. Don’t think about it if at all possible and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH YOURSELF, LET ALONE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. There is more to Purity culture in the sense that love and guarding your heart play into it, but that’s something to read about elsewhere as this is primarily about sex today. I, and other children raised in the deeply religious cult(!)ure that I was, weren’t taught sex ed. Sex ed was basically “don’t have it” (or you’re going to hell, am I right?). And because of this, we weren’t taught the basics of safe, healthy sex and even our own bodies. I’ll admit, I didn’t fully understand how my ovulation cycle even worked until I got pregnant with my son (not even the first time I was pregnant =/), because I wasn’t taught that. Because I wasn’t even supposed to think about sex until marriage. If it weren’t for the fact that the boy I had my first time with was already experienced, I can gaurantee there would have been no condom present because I knew nothing about them aside from that they existed and guys could wear them on their penises to help prevent pregnancy. That was it! I didn’t know about different sizes, lubrication, latex versus non latex, flavored, ribbed, brands- N O T H I N G. Because you shouldn’t be having sex, you shouldn’t be thinking about sex. No. Sex.

Now let’s talk about the damage, emotionally, physically, psychologically and just realistically this kind of thinking and way of life can have on people, again women especially, and me in particular.

I grew up with this horrible notion that my body was not my own. That it was not mine to explore, to care for, make feel good and feel good about. It belonged to my future husband, and bodily autonomy and the freedom to decide how and when I would pleasure it were his, not mine. What. The. Fuck. This had a horrible effect on me sexually. My friends like to make jokes when I tell them about how I “furiously masturbated” as a child. But I don’t even think that phrase does it justice. My sexuality went into hyperdrive as a young child. I was riddled with thoughts of sexual pleasure. I would often have dark rape fantasies (yes, as a child) and tried to act them out (alone) in my “play time”. My mother talked often to friends about my very active imagination. I used to dress up very intricately and immerse myself in fantasy worlds (usually set in a particular period of history I was fascinated by at the time). I would make grandeur “sets” around the house in which to pretend I was these made up characters. Little did she know, these play times often ended up in me acting out a particular sex fantasy attached to whichever character I was that day, and some very aggressive pillow humping and touching myself.

Like a lot of girls, I had my first orgasm in the bathtub, under the faucet. Mind. Blown. No one told me what an orgasm was, and I was so scared to ask my mother what I had experienced that I didn’t realize I was climaxing until I was about 16 years old. And I was 11 when this happened. I was ashamed of myself, though. I could couldn’t divulge these thoughts and feelings to my mother or sister because I knew that would mean some sort of “therapy” with a church-approved psychologist. When I was 11, my dad told me to stop dressing provocatively because it was making his friends have bad feelings. I was wearing jeans, a tee shirt, converse and probably hadn’t showered in a week (the showering thing was a phase), like I wore every single day. I told him that’s because his friends were “fucking pedophiles”. When I was 12, I was in a writing class called “Learn to Write The Novel Way”. I wrote a rape scene in to my novel (I still have it by the way). I read it aloud to the other kids’ parents as my exert from my book. They didn’t know how to react. But I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I felt sad whenever I heard my friends from outside of church talking about their sexual experiences while young teenagers. They talked about things I didn’t know anything about- fingering, oral sex, “bases”. I got grounded when my parents found out I had held hands with a boy. Grounded again when I sat on another’s lap. I found a way to keep my first kiss secret.

I lost my sacred “virginity” at 15. I was drunk. I was drunk a lot around that age. Constantly in trouble for every small behavior, stifling feelings of attraction to girls, and still having these really dark sexual feelings because I was so restricted from exploring and embracing my sexuality appropriately that it took me to dark places. Disclaimer: Rape fantasy is actually very normal and perfectly okay when acted out with complete consent and respect for the other’s mental and physical safety. I was SO desperate to have normal teenage sexual experiences, much like my “other” friends, that I did it all at once. There was no kissing. The first time another human had been near my vagina sexually was when a penis entered me for the first time. It hurt. I wasn’t turned on. I wasn’t relaxed. He had to try and use his fingers to help, but it still hurt an extraordinary amount. We had sex a few times over the next few months. I had to sneak out and meet him at his house and we’d have sex in the basement. Until my parents found out. They monitored my Facebook messages and I had forgotten to delete some. That was it. They called his parents, threatening legal action because he’d turned 18 over the course of our sexual relationship. He had been a good friend of mine since I was 10 or 11 and he wouldn’t look at me anymore. Sex before marriage results in punishment. The message was drilled in to my brain since a child, but that didn’t soften the blow of finally having SOME bit of sexual normalcy (i.e. teenage normalcy) and having the rug ripped right out from under me. I had the first bleeding of a miscarriage in the bathroom of my super christian private school. I told everyone I got my period and pretended not to be in as much pain as I was, and ignored what I’d seen coming out of me into the toilet. My older sister had gotten pregnant before marriage. I’d seen how she was treated by my parents and the church. I didn’t want that. My shame and pain and anger was already too much.

I let boys do things to me I didn’t want because I didn’t have a sense of bodily autonomy. I didn’t know I could say no. Because sex was always told to be a blessing from God for married couples and anything bad outside of marriage that happened was deserved. Punishment. I struggled for a really long time. I like to use the term “sexually immature” to describe people who lack knowledge of sex, sexual acts and the way their own (and the opposite sex’s) bodies work. I was extremely sexually immature. I could go on and on. I could talk about my multiple sexual assaults and the effect they’ve had me, especially since I was extremely sexually immature when most of them happened. I could talk about the meaningless sex I’ve had (lots) and the meaningful sex I’ve had (lots) and how neither was more important than the other because they both hold their places in our human lives. I’ve had sex with guys and girls. I’ve enjoyed and disliked experiences with both. But I think my point has been made.

But FUCK THAT SHIT. AM I right? THIS is why I value sexual education so much. People have told me I talk about sex SO much..TOO much. I say I don’t talk about it enough. No one does. If everyone talked about it more, our lives would be better. If we taught our children about their own bodies and respect for them, about the bodies of others and respect for them..if we taught your children about safe sex and how safe sex isn’t just condoms and birth control (dental dams, spermicides, body safe toys and products and how to clean them to name a few).. if we allowed children the space to explore their bodies age appropriately (they’re going to do it anyways WE ARE HUMANS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE and it feels good).. if we encouraged our children to love and sexually desire whomever they want and that healthy and consensual sex is the only kind worth having, then assault would go down, shame would be gone, std’s and unwanted pregnancies would rates would go down, there would be fewer abortions and unwanted children, and it would be a whole lot easier to navigate this messy world. You can try to stifle sexualities to fit your beliefs all you want, but at the end of the day, we are human, our bodies are wired to feel good when touched certain ways and in certain places, it’s literally how the human race has survived. Why would they have been having sex in the first place if it didn’t feel good? Sex is so great. And it needs to stay that way. But it’s not just those in extreme religious situations. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met with public school educations who were and are just as sexually immature as I was the majority of my life. It’s disheartening to say the least. We need to do better. We, society as a whole, NEED to do better. BE better. Teach better. Treat each other better. Tell me I’m a slut, fuck yea, I love having sex. I’m gonna keep having it whether I get married or not. Life is too short to deny yourself something that we are generally wired to want and enjoy.

Just because you waited until marriage to have sex does NOT mean your sex life will be fulfilling, great and genuine. But, likewise, just because you didn’t wait doesn’t mean those same things. You’re going to have bad sex. You’re (hopefully) going to have good sex. You’ll probably have a lot of both. But it helps if you know yourself and what you love.  This is why I LOVE masturbation. Shame on any-fucking-one who shames children, teenagers, adults, anyone for touching themselves. The BEST way to know your body, to know what feels good and doesn’t feel good, what you like and don’t like, and to know your limits is through self discovery. If I had to choose sex acts with a partner or masturbation or the rest of my life it would be me, myself and I forever because NO ONE can get me off the way I can. DUH. Because I know E X A C T L Y what I like and am guaranteed to get the job done every single time. But masturbation and self discovery are a great way to help you communicate with a partner. Use it as a way to find out what you love and convey that to a partner. From my time in the sex industry I’ve realized that partners are generally lacking in open communication. And sometimes, a lot actually, when a partner is asked if would like it a different way the answer is “I don’t know”. Want to know why? BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE. Y’all, touch your damn selves so you can help yourself and your partner(s) out!

Have sex with a new person everyday, or don’t have sex at all. It doesn’t matter to me, unless you’re a partner of mine. Have sex with the same gender or sex, or have sex with someone of a different gender or sex. Do. What. Makes. You. Happy. Just please, don’t waste another second of your or someone else’s time not communicating, being respectful and consensual or enjoying what the human body can do in the right situation.

I loved that scene in “The End of The F***ing World” where she says 

Because we are. And we technically have been since the beginning of time. Just everyone has been too fucking ashamed to express themselves due to Judeo-Christian values being shoved down the mass populace’s throats. And you should respect other people’s feelings and actions especially if people are displaying these things appropriately.

Sometimes, when I’m in a serious depressive state I don’t want to be touched. But I still masturbate. Because my body enjoys that physical release. It feels good. It’s stress relieving and it reminds me that my body is still working and is still my own, despite feeling trapped in a situation I can’t control. Sometimes when I’m manic, even sometimes neutral, I want to have sex multiple times a day. Sometimes with multiple people. Sometimes with the same or opposite sex or gender. It all depends. But either way, I’m gonna have an orgasm because of the very reasons I just listed before. Everyone should do it. If you’re asexual, I get it, this isn’t for you and I respect your feelings even if I don’t understand them because I’m wired entirely differently. Can we all just cum a little more and shit on each other less? Cum and little more and hurt others less? Sounds great. I’m  not kidding when I say I cum every. single. day. Y’all should DEFINITELY try it. 11/10 would recommend.

So maybe this has inspired you to try something new with your or a partner? Or maybe this has inspired you to learn a little more about safety in sex? Or maybe this has inspired you to “love yourself” 😉 a little more ? Well here are MY favorite things to use during play.

Sustain Condoms! A female owned company that makes condoms specifically with vaginal health in mind! Amazing! Now y’all know that I don’t use condoms, I got my tubes tied. But this is my favorite to recommend at the store. They don’t contain most of the harsh chemicals that regular condoms do, so they don’t throw off the pH balance of your incredibly sensitive vagina. Try them!

Sutil lubricant! Everyone needs lube. I don’t care who you are or who you think you are. Everyone needs lube. If you have a vagina, you know that discomfort you have sometimes, and how you can often feel kind of dry after sex? Micro-tears. That’s right. You’re getting small tears in your vagina, which is normal, from penetrative sex. Lube is a great barrier and it honestly improves sensation. I wasn’t a believer. Now I use lube to masturbate with, even externally. Sutil is natural, has biodegradable packaging, is water-based thus toy safe and digestible and is gentle enough even for the most sensitive of vaginas. It’s so thin and a freakin game changer. They have a thicker version, called Sutil Rich, for all of your anal play needs! GET SOME NOW. If you’re partial to silicone lubricant, I am more ham happy to reccommend some great ones, I just don’t particularly like them. Whatever you do, PLEASE PLEASE FUCKING PLEASE, do not use coconut oil or the like as sexual lubricant. The sugars will completely trash the pH balance of your sacred vagina. Please dear god do not do that unless you enjoy yeast infections and BV.

Sliquid Satin! A water based intimate moisturizer and personal lubricant. Can be used as sexual lubricant that feels very natural but I used it literally to moisturize my bits. Ever since having a kid I’ve not been as naturally moist which leads to itching and discomfort. A small dollop of this all around my intimate areas and a little inside me and it feels so comfortable and natural. I use this every day and have turned many people on to it. It’s amazing and makes all of the difference. Lots of women are a little dry naturally and I highly recommend this to ease discomfort and ease your mind. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just a little dry and need some help ❤

Sliquid Stimulating O Gel. Glycerin and Paraben free. Natural and great for your clit to heighten sensation and add a little extra stimulation. Most of these stimulating gels, I’m either allergic to or don’t feel a thing. Personally, this one is best for me. It may not be for you. Come see me and we’ll go over your options. A little goes a long way. This foil pack is great for maybe 15 (maybe more) uses and is like 4 bucks.

This wonderful toy is the Tenga Egg. It’s main purpose is as a masturbation sleeve for penises. Small, egg shaped and silicone. It’s perfect for travel and for someone who hasn’t tried stroking toys before but don’t want to invest for fear of disappointment. BUT it can also be used by those who own clits. Whichever pattern is on the wrapping of each egg is the ribbing inside of the egg. This one is called “wavy”. Flip it inside out, generously apply lubricant (water-based only) and get to rubbing! It’s great for on the go. I keep an egg and lube with me wherever I go. Judge all you want. IT ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER.

 

Next is this lovely dual ended dildo by Gläs. Body safe, non-porous, borosilicate glass, this wand is perfect for those who are sensitive to most materials toys are made with. It’s completely sterilizable and easy to clean. It’s also safe to use with any kind of lubricant. Dual ended with different textures for multiple uses. EXCELLENT G-spot stimulation, especially when used by a partner. Those of you temperature play freaks, this is great, dipped in some hot water for a warm sensation or frozen for a bit for a cold one. 11/10 great for squirting.

Butt plugs are 1) really fucking cute and 2) great for those trying to relax and train for anal play. The anus responds positively to “fullness” sensations so butt plugs can be great for that as there are ALL kinds to use. This is a steel one, and much like the previous toy, is fully sterilizable and body safe. Safe for use with any kind of lube.

The Downtown BJ  Stroker is a fun addition to fellatio. 100% silicone, so no silicone lubricant, please. Use in your hand to stroke the shaft of the penis while using your mouth on the head. I’ve heard lots of great feedback on this including from my own partner, who says it feels way better than the actual hand on the shaft method most of us are used to. Try it! It’s like 9 bucks.

For all my Bathtub faucet babes out there…The Waterslyde. The most simple device. It attaches to your bathtub facet. You lay back at whatever distance is appropriate for the directed stream to hit your bits. It’s the orgasm I remember and a great way to relax in the tub 😉

Now, My FAVORITE toy- the Satisfyer Pro 2. Clit sucker extraordinaire! It uses pulsing waves and a small amount of vibration to act simultaneous as a clit pup and stimulator. Essentially it’s the female blowjob! I love to use lube with it. Actually, I use lube whenever I masturbate. You try it once and you never go back. This toy is USB rechargeable and fully submersible, meaning you can take it under the water to have even stronger waves. The removable head is 100% silicone, and as such is 100% sterilizable and body safe, as well as safe to use with any kind of lubricant. This is a good shape to use during penetrative play with a partner but is very intense. I wouldn’t recommend this to someone who is already very sensitive, as all of the extra blood that gets pumped into the clitoris could make you even more and, therefore overwhelm you. But those prozac cuties I know who have a hard time getting off..this is for you! It’s life changing. Amazing.

The last toy I’ll talk about (this time, don’t worry there will be MORE) is the Eva 2. This cutie is perfect for parter or personal play. The flexible wings tuck underneath (or over top) of the labia and stay put, vibrating some nice, deep, low-frequency vibrations onto the clitoris while you partake in penetrative play (or alone time, again). It’s fully coated in 100% silicone. I won’t repeat the body safe, lube spiel for you. Hopefully, you get it now. It has a charging dock that it sits in and, thus, has no plug in for charging. A seriously expensive but seriously great toy. Especially if you need that extra OOMPH during sex but his/her/your fingers don’t quite get you there.

So, next time I’ll show you what items are next on my list. What would you like to read about/know the next time I write about sex and sexuality on my blog? What constitutes a good toy versus a bad toy? How to better communicate or try new things with a partner? Sex ed and anatomy questions? Safe sex? Personal questions and preferences? Let me know!

What I want y’all to take away from this, because I will be delving deeper in the future, is that sex is great. However much you choose and whom you choose to do it with are your prerogative. But my personal prerogative is to cum every day. Life is too damn short to not enjoy what my body can do. Part of my bodily and sexual revolution has been to allow my body to do it’s thing. I’ve been growing out certain body hairs. I’ve stopped wearing a bra. I’m learning to accentuate what I have and appreciate what it can do. I still like males and females. I still have some VERY wild sexual fantasies which I am working through, safely and appropriately. But I know where they come from. And I know how to enjoy them in the right way now. I made some sexual resolutions this year to try this year because I thought those would be more realistic for me. One of which is pegging. I’ll let you know when I’ve tried it out. Do you have any sexual resolutions?? Tell me what they are!

And listen, I’m not saying if you wait until marriage to have sex that anything is wrong with you. I’m saying it’s wrong and dangerous to teach children that that is the only appropriate way to express sexuality. I will teach my son differently. I will teach him to be safe. To be safe for his partners. To be himself. To love himself and to respect himself and others in all aspects of life but especially in love and sex. Paul and I will teach him about his body and encourage him to learn it on his own. I will teach him the body of the opposite sex so he knows how it works and how to help those who may not know themselves. I will teach him consent. I will teach him to explore. I will teach him. Like I wasn’t taught. And I..I will continue to revel in how my body feels good and no longer be ashamed. I won’t use sex as a weapon and I won’t take it for granted either.

My dear friend Kaitlyn was reading this draft the other day and among her many thoughts on what I’ve said she boiled it down to “everyone fucks”. And for the most part, they do. So do it. Don’t let anyone shame you. Enjoy it. AND come see me at Taboo if you want help with ANYTHING sex related. I know so much more. I have certifications as a community resource from the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health. I am literally a Sexpert. Come say hi!